lost in the noise

somewhere foreign to me. but familiar to this shell. i’ve been here before. i blend in with these suburban white americans.

i am in a high school auditorium. immersed in the crowd, the noise. these people. i am not one of them. on the surface, this place is hosting a cheer competition. but I know that its hosting all kinds of things.
i slip away into the shadows of the walls.
i am waiting for Darb. an extension of myself. a big toe. something i need in order to move, function.  keep balance. i can survive without her, but I can move around more efficiently when she’s with me.
focus. lost in distractions. diversions. i am wearing less clothing than i’d like to. i feel exposed. they’re all looking at me. i feel tainted. they see me for who i am. i am repulsed.
i’m trying to get a hold of him. i’m waiting for his call. i know he’ll be arriving soon. i must be prepared. bracing for the impact of the phone ringing. his voice on the other end. questioning if its really him. do i even remember what his voice sounds like?
stop thinking about him. stay on track. you’re supposed to be looking for Darb. round her up so you can move on. get out of this. place.
waiting on a bench. my two bags on the floor. one is sturdy and full of the things i value. the other is flimsy and plastic. who gives a shit what’s in that bag.
an old friend sits down next to me. captivated by my presence. why isn’t she disgusted by this raw, exposed body? i touch her. she melts. surprised by the impact of my touch. she wants more. but i am toxic. i refuse. for her own good. i have to stay on track.
watch my bags please.
looking for Darb, i enter the bathroom. the bathroom is a hallway. i have to get through. i hate this place.
looking for a window. an escape. i must get out. i must pass through this filthy place. i squeeze through an opening. climb up a rusty ladder.
i can breathe again. gulping the fresh crisp air. just a taste. i am on top of a tank and it is night. i see the vastness. I’m getting closer. the tank is collecting rainwater. i catch a glimpse of Darb. she is loading up the tank with buckets of water she has been collecting.
something diverts my attention. interception. a bump in the road. my road. the kind of bump that naggingly says you’re not a real vegetarian cause you eat food thats cooked in the same oven as meat. get out of my road. they want to minimize you. they want to feel bigger. they speak more than the wise folks. false credibility earned simply by the sheer volume of words it puts out. and then, it speaks.
“just so you know, you’ve  contaminated the whole water supply so now i can’t water my organic garden.”
fuck off. i am frustrated. you’re blocking my view of Darb. i am still learning how to block out these entities and not let them eat away at me.
i give a half ass grunt of a response. shooing the pest away. i must continue my quest. i just saw her. where did she go?
i have to go back into this place. down the ladder. through the window and into the bathroom. the only way back in. the only portal. the bathroom is so filthy. i walk through. holding my breath. trying not to let it become part of me. too bad. it has penetrated by shield. I’m breathing in the dust. parasitic filthy dust. born from soggy toilet paper and cold tile floors. i feel dirty and even more tainted than before.
i sit back down on to the bench. she is staring at me. i forgot about her. she is expecting me to intoxicate her. she wants to melt and forget who she is. i’d rather not.
did he call? where is my phone? why am i still here?
i’m frantically shuffling through my bags.
i pause. i think.
what am i even looking for?

the fire

it starts at my toes
it tingles, tickles. feels good for now.

my feet feel like rubber. my feet feel like air.

are my feet even my feet?
or have i left those on earth

it spreads
up my legs
the heat. the smell.

of burning
i am on fire. i am calm. i am under their control.
i see the universe. the multiverse.

i am not ready. not here. not now. not with them
snap out of it

i blink my eyes.
and the weight of the world returns

gravity, pain, sin, love, filth
putting out the fire

making my feet look like feet again
fixing what once was mine

fixing what i now know were never mine
an illusion constructed by humanity
with a little help of divinity

the fire is dead. i am alive
but i can’t get the smell out of my nose

the friend and the barrier

i am waiting for a long lost friend. jitters swimming through my body. fluttery and anxious. something rattling around inside of me trying to escape. too bad, you must stay. anxiety is part of the human experience.

it’s been three years. will he look the same. will i look the same? will we laugh the same? i hear the car door slam. shit.
i didn’t know he drove. is this the same person? is that him? oh god. hide in the closet. no, a bathroom. look at yourself in the mirror. why am i looking at myself in the mirror? why am i afraid of what people will think of me? why do i give a shit about people who give a shit about this shell i’m stuck in? fix your hair. he doesn’t care. i wish i didn’t. be cool. be cool.
as the door opens, time sends us back. forward. upside down. what day is it? cut that out, theres no room for these thoughts. instinctively, we hug. adhering to obligatory socially acceptable greetings. standard protocol.
thank god he brought alcohol. why did he bring alcohol? is he nervous too? is this a crutch? or is this just part of the human experience? numbing ourselves so we don’t have to deal with each other. i must size him up. see his insecurities. so mine feel smaller. i want them to disappear. i want to disappear.
part of me, the overwhelming majority of me, the winning side, is thankful for the alcohol. we need something to break the ice. no no, it isn’t ice that separates us. something else. something more malleable. stronger. softer. gelatinous perhaps. whatever it is. this barrier. invisible to the human eye. is keeping us from seeing our true selves. prohibits us from feeling a deep sense of comfort.
my stomach is empty. i feel light. i feel closer to god. i take a sip. i feel drunk. not drunk in a conventional sense. not a drunk I’ve drank before. it feels like home.
i start to dance. forgetting when i started dancing. forgetting where i am dancing. i’m probably in the street. its ok. cars don’t come by often. not that a car would stop me. or even notice me. i am feeling the air. entering my body through my pores. i am consuming it. the air becomes part of me. i am part of the air. i am light.
i remember why i’m dancing. i’m dancing because i have no real interest in exchanging words with this old friend. we are beyond words. together, we know.
i continue to dance. feeling lighter and lighter. i am smiling. it’s working. no time to question what it is. no interest in knowing what it is. but it is working. whatever it is. I’m going with it.
i am so light. i jump and feel the barrier disintegrating slowly. my friend watches from a distance. looking at me like a proud parent. watching their offspring take its first steps. or a bird. watching their baby fall but not hit the ground.
he is pleased. the potion he gave me is doing its job.
as the barrier is disappearing, so am i. lets see how far i can push this. the pavement gets further from me feet. i am kicking and moving my arms. using my limbs for flight. swimming in the air. swimming away from my house. i see the rooftop. my friend looks small. i am at a comfortable height. i do not want to go any further. i take this experience in. breathe. let it enter my mind. i can’t forget this. once i’ve had enough, something switches in the control system of my being.
i decide i want to come back down. knowing i will confuse my friend. knowing what is waiting for me on earth. pain. part of the human experience. i let myself fall. gravity takes my breath away. i brace for the impact. thud.
my friend is puzzled. you were doing great, what happened? why did you come back?
unfinished business.

the goddess and the yoga mat

floating. soaring in the sky. over the earth. on a yoga mat. is the yoga mat the one keeping me afloat or is the yoga mat my passenger? i let that thought go with ease. i don’t want to find out which of us has the power. I’m at peace.
soaring in the sky
looking over the entire world. vastness. anywhere i wanna be, i be.
here comes company. a familiar goddess like entity with her male prey. he is in a trance. does whatever she wishes. no questions asked. after all, who wouldn’t? just the thought of getting positive attention or affection from this being is enough to make your human heart flutter. she is not phased by this.
we are all flying together. like a flock of birds. except we are much larger than birds and have no visible wings. the three of us. on two yoga mats. we hop between the two. feeling free from the machine. above the wall.
and then, we are held captive. taken by a magnetic force. we fight it. working twice as hard but falling twice as fast. the pull is hard. we tumble. on to a field of lovely plants. oh they are so lovely. like a pillow. catching and embracing our bodies. maternalistic. cradling our soul. and pushed elsewhere. a distraction.
we arrive in the basement. my basement. and then there are more. they casually show up. sure, just walk right in, make yourself at home.
i am irritated.
i must keep things in order. ah yes, television. lets try that. that should work ike a charm. as the screen flickers, their gaze is redirected. i have them stationary, content, and most importantly safe. they are safe from me and i am safe from them. they are no longer my responsibility.
now to find that soaring goddess. she is in my empty room. devouring her prey. he does not see himself as prey. gladly allowing her to feast on his soul. satisfied in his trance like state. this twisted reality pleases him. why would he want to snap out of it? i give her a nod.
but then, their friends brought friends. chaos. i have to round them up and do something.get rid of them. they are not my friends. they are a false sense of responsibility i carry. that i must leave no trace. no evidence they were ever there. flush out the basement so i can be free of this baggage and fly into the sky. sink into the vastness. become a dot to the human eye. i want to be by myself. above the chaos. with no yoga mat. just me. just my. self.