no sleep

flying half way across the world to see him. unannounced. no call in advance. no warning. just a hazy memory of a shallow promise.

“you’ll have to come visit, stay as long as you want.” he said.

and here i am. but why? what am i doing here?

i’m running on empty. drove straight from the airport to his apartment. its been over 24 hours since my last shower.

the air is thick and artificial. it sticks to my skin. how did i know where he lives?

i park outside. hoping he hasn’t seen me. and if he did? he wouldn’t recognize me. or my car. he wouldn’t believe i’m actually here.

i have to kill time. i can’t just hop out of my car and show up at his doorstep. i have to sit in my car. there’s unfinished business here in my car. i’m not ready to face him.

i open up the center console and sort through my rock collection. which rocks should i bring with me?

i choose a purple one and an orange one and put them in my pocket. i’m satisfied with my selections. my distractions. but still not ready to go in.

my gaze is redirected toward his window. hoping i don’t see him. hoping he doesn’t see me. am i really here?

the seed has yet to be planted. it rests on the surface of the dirt for now. what’s keeping it there?

flashbacks of discomfort. anxiety. an inability to break down the wall. my beautiful, deceitful wall.

the feeling of the wall growing taller. minute by minute, brick by brick. as i sit in this parking lot.

i remember his wall being as beautiful and deceitful as mine. my wall compatible with his. comfortable. stable.

but i jumped over my wall last year. i breathe the air on the other side. no longer suffocating.

second thoughts come and go. second thoughts no longer second thoughts. those thoughts are in the double digits.

i have no money. i have no gas. i’m somewhere in china. and i’m surprisingly calm.

my decision has been made. i turn on the engine and put the car in reverse. slowly backing out of the parking lot. no longer caring about avoiding detection. i’m as good as gone.

i look at a map and start driving toward the green. feeling lighter already. i’m looking forward to sleeping with the trees.

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